there's a black hole in my heart

i feel like a black Hole my minds in a dark depressing place, I'm not doing as good in school as I want or need ( the need is for me ) I'm just starting to deal emotional with my fathers death and even then I still use the evoide and pretend it docent exsit technique . There's no way I could or should even honestly think about boys or dateing in the state I'm in

Most days If I have time at home alone I'll lye in bed and eat and watch shows and escape this place, basically mope

now i've gained wait and that makes me more depressed and I don't need to be super model skinny and its not for any one its for me it makes me feel better

some days I think I should give up and just move back to the island and just give up on this life some days I want it and others I want to throw my self in front of a bus, I know its the depressed me talking

its just I need to be good at something and I need to be better then people at things I know thats petty and stupid and all that but I need it or I'm no one

I can't take losing one more person weather it be a boy friend a friend or anything I can't lose anything else right now

Sleepy

Ok after two posts ago being so emo I have developed a lot of my self

I'm looking at film opportunities on craigslist, thinking of some self projects for the summer like rekindling my steam punk fashion line and a few other ideas like getting to a convention PAX's !!!!!!!

I've opened a plenty of fish account selfishly to get a self esteem boost when I think I'm unlovable >.> I know horrible right but yeah

I also have been having a hard time with some friends for a while, I contact them and never hear from them and them I'm expected to keep trying? is it really a friend ship if its only one way and I have talked about it and I have been the one dealing with stuff. I made an effort to do something nice for one of these friends but they couldn't except it. I have revieved some kindness from them in the past but nothing that out dose some of the shitty things they do that is inexcusable in so many ways. but thats the only thing thats super negative in my life at the moment I think out side of school and my fing crazy teachers ug can't wait for second year and awesome teachers

been brain storming more for my punk musical and I wish I had thought of it earlier but I should have picked Labyrinth !!! darn it


thats all for nows <3 cause Im utterly tired

Break down

This monday in class we worked on break down, here's the start of my zombie break down <3

fuck you pam

The phantom inspired by my dad

Ok this is going to be a work in progress,

The phantom reminds me of my father because of dark hideous truth that disfigured his upbringing. My father's life was disfigured by a horrific tragedy which destroyed all potential to find love, he was so desperate for love he looked for it in all the wrong places and would run away from any thing that would tie him to the possibility of him hurting someone they way he was hurt. He killed him self in the end, after 48 years of struggling and denial and hurt he found him self destroyed by the person he tried to love a women with no love for him, a women who used him to achieve what she wanted,

The Phantom saute love from christine after teaching her taking her under his wing, trusting her and she betrayed him for beauty she wanted love to be simple, she could not love someone disfigured on the outside like Pam couldn't love my dad for his disfigured personality

no one can tell me they understand what he went through NO one can tell me he could have tried harder NO ONE

YOU LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE YOU TRUST TARE YOU APART AND THEN TELL ME YOU THINK WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG

What happened to my father to disfigure him on the inside, his stepfather the only one he knew and the one he knew to be his and his mother died of hypothermia after a boating accident, leaving 5 children with out parents my father the oldest of the 5 found out through a man I would slap if he were still alive that Grandpa Auto ( I DONT CARE HE'S MY GRANDPA, my real dads father couldn't show up to his own sons funeral he's dead to me any ways) wasn't his real dad and that he didn't want him my grandfathers own brother a hideously mean man said this well my father was listening, so guess what no one wanted him. My great grandma and grandpa Mclean wanted to take all the children and keep them together but no they werent aloud and they were all split up well this fucked up my dad being with a family that to them wasn't his so why would they want to take care of him or spend the time to, my father left home at 16 and I don't know much of that story other then when he was 18 he got his inharentince and spent it. he had the smallest amount because his had the least amount of time to grow. He went on to be a cowboy, stripper, hunting guide, fishing guide, and everything under the sun but how I remember him is as a cowboy. His relationships that i know of included two failed marriages the first to my mother. He never could except love he couldn't handle money and he was miserable when tied down he was a wild horse till he met Pam and she killed him in side

Like me he hangs on to the ones that want nothing to do with him because why hang on to the ones that actually want you ? that only makes sense

She gambeled, stole his money, got drunk off wine 90% of the time and is pure evil

the one thing I was willing to do anything to keep was my fathers dog Cache and what did she let me have a couple books and dirty clothes

this woman had it worked out so that she got everything if my dad died ( no will of course not ) her kids got everything leaving my dad with nothing

the house they built that my dad did all the hard work for gets paid off cause the mortgagee was in his name

you know what the first thing this evil satanic woman said to me when i went to my relatives after finding out over the phone that my dad had SHOOT HIM SELF ??? she said thanks for coming it means a lot ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME HES MY FATHER MY FATHER

... well FUCK YOU PAM FUCK YOU I HOPE EVERYTHING COME BACK TO YOU 100 FOLD

ok i should stop right now I think im very very very angry

Heres my first attempt at making panniers!!!! very successful I believe <3<3<3<3 style="background-image: initial !important; background-attachment: initial !important; background-origin: initial !important; background-clip: initial !important; background-color: transparent !important; border-top-width: 0px !important; border-right-width: 0px !important; border-bottom-width: 0px !important; border-left-width: 0px !important; border-style: initial !important; border-color: initial !important; background-position: initial initial !important; background-repeat: initial initial !important; ">
Process to make panniers:

I researched the basic design I wanted which was BIG or go home cause Carlotta from Phantom's were very big. Then I did some sketches from different books like Corsets and Crinolines and Costuming for stage and screen then I measured out my mini mannequin and basically set to work I bounced some ideas of a class mate but this is a product of my own awesomeness .,.... but their are some things I want to change like i don't like their method for the waist pieces and I want a sloop to the sides and I still need the ties on the inside to bring it flat. I always prefer to do things on my own and figure out how to do it through trial and error.

Vday is lame in less you have someone special to spend it with

14 hours at school, now I'm home to eat ice cream cuddle my kittens and watch a girly movie probably my big fat greek wedding

this past week has been insane, first I get dumped two days after my fathers birthday who committed suicided not even a year a go, let me be honest with my self on here even if I initiated the conversation that ended a lie a lie I told my self cause I'm desperate to find some one to love. And have daddy issues like everyone else, but all my friends are finding these amazing relationships around me and It makes me feel like my father more and more .......

but other then that I have had running crew and am prepping for a film room 905 my costume designers are WAY over their heads ( lead builder ) my running crew ended last night and my film prep is till wednesday when the next day we start filming which ends sunday ( i work the morning then do a night shoot for one of our scenes in a pool ) make a men's 50's bathing suit WOOT and a fantasy forest dress.

other then that THANK YOU TO ALL MY LOVING FRIENDS THAT HAVE WISHED ME A HAPPY VDAY OR DROPED BY WITH PRESENTS

Kelly Clarkson - Never Again

Retraction

So I've been stressing my self out with school to the point of head aches, later periods, back problems, and health problems

I know I said I want to be a costume designer no matter what, but I don't want to be a power woman, I love designing and sewing and working hard but it's not making me happy right now the down sides of the film industry are really weighing heavy on my heart . There are so many statistics about being divorced dieing early, no time for friends and family well on a movie. I need my personal life I need my friends and loved ones away from the industry to keep me saine. Not only that I want to be successful and happy and I can't be happy without the people I love. Yes I need to make sacrifices yes its hard yeah yeah, but some times its to much and I think it might be. I can still use my education to do something I love but I don't know if I want this any more

I see the people that are obsessed with their jobs putting them first before everything, they're loved ones are bitter and unhappy making them unhappy. I'm just letting some thoughts out right now

Home sick cause I woke up in to much pain took a large dose of pain meds time for more rest Ill rant more later

I SWEAR

I swear to what ever higher power is listening that I will be a costume Designer

Some Quotes from some one who changed the world of fashion for women

a little bit from my report

Coco Chanel is best know for bringing to the world of fashion the “little black dress,” her signature cardigan jacket, and Chanel No. 5 perfume. She gave women comfort and casual elegance with her fashions: simple suits, dresses, trousers and costume jewelry.

Despite dating some of the most influential men during her time, Chanel never married. When asked about her refusal to marry the Duke of Westminster, she would reply, “there have been several Duchesses of Westminster. There is only one Chanel”. Chanel created loose fitting casual clothing made from jersey, and other materials used more typically for men’s underwear, liberating woman from corsets.

“In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different,” “People laughed at the way I dressed, but that was the secret of my success: I didn’t look like anyone.” Chanel


“Fashion is not simply a matter of clothes,” said Chanel. “Fashion is in the air, born upon the wind. One intuits it. It is in the sky and on the road.” Chanel


“The style is instantly familiar - those boxy jackets made from the softest tweed and edged in braid, the gilt buttons, the quilted bags. You hardly need to notice the CC logo to know that this suit or that bag is by the house of Chanel.”- Bel Mooney

“In fashion, you know you have succeeded when there is an element of upset,” Chanel.

“Dress shabbily and they remember the dress,” “Dress impeccably and they remember the woman.” Chanel

“Fashion is architecture: it is a matter of proportions.” -Chanel

“Fashion is made to become unfashionable.” -Chanel

“I don't know why women want any of the things men have when one the things that women have is men.” -Chanel

Need an entrusting topic

I relise no one will want to read my borring blog about my every day happenings so I need to pick a part of it and focus on it I gues the costuming and what I'm learning or what I'm working on.

I also relise the only person at this time fallowing me is one of my closest friends and has to listen to me moan and wine on a regular bases BLAH BLAH so yeah POSTIVE posts 98% of the time cause you know lifes, life


PB out


want very much <3<3<3<3

TACOS

I think I have a taco obsession, its only day 2 though so I’ll wait and see. (going to get tacos again this time from the taco bell in the mall, hoping not to spill my Diet Cola this time.

I tend to forget o wear my glasses when reading and working on the computer which leads to headaches, I only got my glasses last year in my first semester. I think my body is already starting to fail me after pushing it so hard for 3 very intense cosplay years [ I’ve cosplayed for more just I was the only stitcher ( tehehehe technical terms) cutter, and well all around costume supervisor ]for the construction of anywhere from 9+ costumes, I’ve had around 20-25 costumes once with commissions. But yes I think its catching up to me cause I use wrists braces when doing most my work as well as now I have glasses and a giant bottle of Motrin good for almost all my aches and pains.

Today in dye class I did some tests with some break down tools and schmutz and schmutes ( saying those words makes me giggle)

It’s a rainy day which I love and am much more productive during, but I cradled my diet Pepsi ( I know it’s worse but I’m cutting out sugar) and tacos all the way home, there’s a small park on the route home today it was FULL of crows and a few seagulls so I held them even closer for fear they would attack. It’s like the Bermuda triangle of weird there’s always random clothes laying on the benches and a purse and back pack its always sooo creepy and I hate walking through it late at night

I shake my fist at you bus

Jan 24th
Woke up at 7 @.@ I have class at 830 and its an hour bus ride ….. I like being early so I can settle in get my tea and a bagel <3
I made it on time after being squished on the bus I didn’t get to type on the bus but I did read my Emi town GN ( graphic novel for the novices) I have a huge craving for hot sauce because of her breakfast burritos and with hot sauce
Dye class is beginning now <3

MY HORRIBLE GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

OK so I'm not a genius or even moderately tolerable when it comes to spelling and grammar, but if you find what I'm trying to get across with my words some what entrusting I hope you enjoy other wise keep it to your self SMART ASS not all of us are blessed with the same skills and mine are with fabric not words. I'll try and double check my blurbs before posting ( which is my biggest problem not double checking my writing)

I had something to say other then what I said above, but now I forgot now lack oh sleep and 7 going on 8 days straight technically I had a day "off" last saturday when I called in sick so... so yeah not much of a day off. So not including that day I have been going for 18 days and counting any who I got my Chanel right up done and the lovely Jordan will spell check and grammar check for me in the next couple days. Maybe I'll share it with everyone ???

(i'll included a image of something I've made or designed with every post <3)

Semester 2 week 3

So I have another blog confessions of a cospalyer but I wanted to post about my life in general so I opened this one as a side to that though I haven't posted on it for a while >.>.

Im in costuming for stage and screen right now at Capilano and I'm in week 3 as of tomorrow, right now I'm working on my early couturier report, I choose Coco Chanel <3 I like her as well as I want to get a head on things because I'm going to be super busy starting next month and don't want to make it harder on my self then need be. I will be doing a report on Alexander McQueen as well for my modern Designer.

Tomorrow I have Dye class <3 we had a blood work shop last week how to and what its like on set etc. I think were going to start on break down tomorrow not sure though. Did you know that dyeing is probably one of the biggest jobs for costumes on any show or film? almost everything needs to get dyed or a technical term is "teched" so it registers better on camera. I'll share lots with you if I'm able to keep up with this >.>

I think I'll try doing my journals on the bus in the morning with my net book ( its a hour by bus >.>) so I have little to no excuse other then I'm lazy :P

PB out

Realistic no ? I used Reel old blood (thats the name) and coffee grinds !