there's a black hole in my heart

i feel like a black Hole my minds in a dark depressing place, I'm not doing as good in school as I want or need ( the need is for me ) I'm just starting to deal emotional with my fathers death and even then I still use the evoide and pretend it docent exsit technique . There's no way I could or should even honestly think about boys or dateing in the state I'm in

Most days If I have time at home alone I'll lye in bed and eat and watch shows and escape this place, basically mope

now i've gained wait and that makes me more depressed and I don't need to be super model skinny and its not for any one its for me it makes me feel better

some days I think I should give up and just move back to the island and just give up on this life some days I want it and others I want to throw my self in front of a bus, I know its the depressed me talking

its just I need to be good at something and I need to be better then people at things I know thats petty and stupid and all that but I need it or I'm no one

I can't take losing one more person weather it be a boy friend a friend or anything I can't lose anything else right now

Sleepy

Ok after two posts ago being so emo I have developed a lot of my self

I'm looking at film opportunities on craigslist, thinking of some self projects for the summer like rekindling my steam punk fashion line and a few other ideas like getting to a convention PAX's !!!!!!!

I've opened a plenty of fish account selfishly to get a self esteem boost when I think I'm unlovable >.> I know horrible right but yeah

I also have been having a hard time with some friends for a while, I contact them and never hear from them and them I'm expected to keep trying? is it really a friend ship if its only one way and I have talked about it and I have been the one dealing with stuff. I made an effort to do something nice for one of these friends but they couldn't except it. I have revieved some kindness from them in the past but nothing that out dose some of the shitty things they do that is inexcusable in so many ways. but thats the only thing thats super negative in my life at the moment I think out side of school and my fing crazy teachers ug can't wait for second year and awesome teachers

been brain storming more for my punk musical and I wish I had thought of it earlier but I should have picked Labyrinth !!! darn it


thats all for nows <3 cause Im utterly tired

Break down

This monday in class we worked on break down, here's the start of my zombie break down <3

fuck you pam

The phantom inspired by my dad

Ok this is going to be a work in progress,

The phantom reminds me of my father because of dark hideous truth that disfigured his upbringing. My father's life was disfigured by a horrific tragedy which destroyed all potential to find love, he was so desperate for love he looked for it in all the wrong places and would run away from any thing that would tie him to the possibility of him hurting someone they way he was hurt. He killed him self in the end, after 48 years of struggling and denial and hurt he found him self destroyed by the person he tried to love a women with no love for him, a women who used him to achieve what she wanted,

The Phantom saute love from christine after teaching her taking her under his wing, trusting her and she betrayed him for beauty she wanted love to be simple, she could not love someone disfigured on the outside like Pam couldn't love my dad for his disfigured personality

no one can tell me they understand what he went through NO one can tell me he could have tried harder NO ONE

YOU LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE YOU TRUST TARE YOU APART AND THEN TELL ME YOU THINK WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG

What happened to my father to disfigure him on the inside, his stepfather the only one he knew and the one he knew to be his and his mother died of hypothermia after a boating accident, leaving 5 children with out parents my father the oldest of the 5 found out through a man I would slap if he were still alive that Grandpa Auto ( I DONT CARE HE'S MY GRANDPA, my real dads father couldn't show up to his own sons funeral he's dead to me any ways) wasn't his real dad and that he didn't want him my grandfathers own brother a hideously mean man said this well my father was listening, so guess what no one wanted him. My great grandma and grandpa Mclean wanted to take all the children and keep them together but no they werent aloud and they were all split up well this fucked up my dad being with a family that to them wasn't his so why would they want to take care of him or spend the time to, my father left home at 16 and I don't know much of that story other then when he was 18 he got his inharentince and spent it. he had the smallest amount because his had the least amount of time to grow. He went on to be a cowboy, stripper, hunting guide, fishing guide, and everything under the sun but how I remember him is as a cowboy. His relationships that i know of included two failed marriages the first to my mother. He never could except love he couldn't handle money and he was miserable when tied down he was a wild horse till he met Pam and she killed him in side

Like me he hangs on to the ones that want nothing to do with him because why hang on to the ones that actually want you ? that only makes sense

She gambeled, stole his money, got drunk off wine 90% of the time and is pure evil

the one thing I was willing to do anything to keep was my fathers dog Cache and what did she let me have a couple books and dirty clothes

this woman had it worked out so that she got everything if my dad died ( no will of course not ) her kids got everything leaving my dad with nothing

the house they built that my dad did all the hard work for gets paid off cause the mortgagee was in his name

you know what the first thing this evil satanic woman said to me when i went to my relatives after finding out over the phone that my dad had SHOOT HIM SELF ??? she said thanks for coming it means a lot ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME HES MY FATHER MY FATHER

... well FUCK YOU PAM FUCK YOU I HOPE EVERYTHING COME BACK TO YOU 100 FOLD

ok i should stop right now I think im very very very angry

Heres my first attempt at making panniers!!!! very successful I believe <3<3<3<3 style="background-image: initial !important; background-attachment: initial !important; background-origin: initial !important; background-clip: initial !important; background-color: transparent !important; border-top-width: 0px !important; border-right-width: 0px !important; border-bottom-width: 0px !important; border-left-width: 0px !important; border-style: initial !important; border-color: initial !important; background-position: initial initial !important; background-repeat: initial initial !important; ">
Process to make panniers:

I researched the basic design I wanted which was BIG or go home cause Carlotta from Phantom's were very big. Then I did some sketches from different books like Corsets and Crinolines and Costuming for stage and screen then I measured out my mini mannequin and basically set to work I bounced some ideas of a class mate but this is a product of my own awesomeness .,.... but their are some things I want to change like i don't like their method for the waist pieces and I want a sloop to the sides and I still need the ties on the inside to bring it flat. I always prefer to do things on my own and figure out how to do it through trial and error.

Vday is lame in less you have someone special to spend it with

14 hours at school, now I'm home to eat ice cream cuddle my kittens and watch a girly movie probably my big fat greek wedding

this past week has been insane, first I get dumped two days after my fathers birthday who committed suicided not even a year a go, let me be honest with my self on here even if I initiated the conversation that ended a lie a lie I told my self cause I'm desperate to find some one to love. And have daddy issues like everyone else, but all my friends are finding these amazing relationships around me and It makes me feel like my father more and more .......

but other then that I have had running crew and am prepping for a film room 905 my costume designers are WAY over their heads ( lead builder ) my running crew ended last night and my film prep is till wednesday when the next day we start filming which ends sunday ( i work the morning then do a night shoot for one of our scenes in a pool ) make a men's 50's bathing suit WOOT and a fantasy forest dress.

other then that THANK YOU TO ALL MY LOVING FRIENDS THAT HAVE WISHED ME A HAPPY VDAY OR DROPED BY WITH PRESENTS

Kelly Clarkson - Never Again